Seeing Him Free

I met Robinson at a drum circle one Tuesday evening in late June. He approached me outside after drumming and asked, “Would you like to go out to dinner some time?” I quickly replied, “Yes, definitely.” He said, “When?” I said, “Tomorrow”. I had seen him a few times but we had never spoken. I remember the first time I saw him – I was sitting across the room from him and the sight of him made me short of breath. I knew nothing about him and I wanted to know everything.

We met for that first dinner at an Italian restaurant. While looking over the menu he seemed quite confused about what to order. I suggested an antipasto appetizer and he said, “What’s that?” I helped him choose something he thought he would like and we continued our conversation. The usual conversation for about the first 15 minutes, then he said, “I just got out of prison.” This didn’t shock me or scare me away because I don't judge people for the paths they take and I understand bad choices don't always equate to bad people. I then asked, “When did you get out?” “In March”, he said. I asked, “Oh, how long were you in there?” His reply, “15 years.” This information was shocking because I could not imagine being incarcerated for 15 years.

I felt excited every time I saw him or thought about him. I love to travel and do adventurous things and he was ready for everything. Ready and overdue for freedom and adventure, and adventure and freedom is always at the top of my ‘to do’ list.

Robinson was sentenced to 20 years for assault when he was just 19. He was a lost teenager who abandoned his budding career in soccer for the thug life. He had lived the past 15 years in various penitentiaries and spent several of his early years in solitary confinement for being a trouble maker. He is witty, handsome, energetic, driven and resembled almost perfectly the man I had placed on a vision board just a few months prior. We began our adventures right when we met. Now, I can see that just meeting and not holding back no matter what was the first adventure.

One of our trips shortly after we met was a weekend at the beach in Seaside, Oregon. There was a moment when I stood there on the beach watching him run in the waves with a huge smile on his face, racing waves and getting soaked on a cold Fall day. I was overcome with joy. It wasn’t typical joy. It was more like a tidal wave of overwhelming happiness, for him, that brought me to tears. It’s a feeling I’ve felt again and again since we met and one of the best feelings I’ve ever experienced in my life. Seeing him run and laugh and walk straight into the water in his jeans was an amazingly beautiful sight to behold. Robinson’s energy and crazy zest for life filled my cup and brought me straight to gratitude. I felt frozen in time for a moment, with tears running down my cheeks. Tears of joy and complete love for Robinson and the gift of being with him to witness his freedom.

Robinson and I are wacky, spontaneous and forever playful. We are an awesome couple that people admire because of our desire to live life to the fullest and the way we flow together with ease. What if I labeled him or shut down my feelings out of fear after that first date? What if he hadn’t followed his desire to spend time with me and love me because I didn’t fit the perfect part?

When talking about Robinson to a friend, she said, “You dive in deep – you’re like the Mariana Trench." May be falling in love with Robinson is a risk. May be Robinson falling in love with me is a risk. May be it’s not. May be we met because we were supposed to. May be the saying “there are no mistakes” is exactly true.

We’ve traveled 12 states together by car, plane or motorcycle and I still have those waves of emotion come over me when I least expect it. Riding his motorcycle on a windy desolate highway in Wyoming, hearing him yell YOLO from the cliffs of the Grand Canyon, screaming on roller coasters, seeing him laugh with my daughter, skipping rocks in rivers, taking ridiculous videos, playing with our fur children, witnessing his love for his parents, doing donuts in parking lots in his muscle car…..Seeing him free and being free with him is a miraculous gift that never wears out.

After 2 ½ wonderful years, Robinson and I split up. He is still one of my greatest gifts and now one of my biggest heartbreaks. The felon who had difficulty ordering off the menu on our first date and is still figuring out so much of life continues to teach me about myself, my choices, my viewpoints and my values. The pain I feel in the separation is more than I ever anticipated when I thought about the possibility we may not last 'forever'. Would I skip the whole experience to avoid this pain? Probably not, but in some moments of darkness, I wonder.

If you go deep, you may get hurt. If you don’t go deep, you may miss some of the most beautiful experiences of your life. If you journey into the Mariana trench of your heart and soul, bring a light so you don’t miss anything. And, keep your light with you to find your way out if you hit darkness.