I’m sitting alone on a cold January night. The power is out, my phone battery is dead, and I hate it.
Some of my biggest fears are being alone, being left/being abandoned. Somewhere in my mind I correlate being alone with being abandoned and not being loved or needed. ‘If you leave me, you don’t love me’ is the black and white equation in my simple mind if I’m not careful with my thoughts.
I’m here alone because my boyfriend moved out, my daughter moved to college this year, and nobody else lives here with me except the dog and cat. The anxiety this produces far outweighs the reality of the situation. I’m just here alone right now – in reality I’m surrounded with friends and family, a full-time job, and a very full schedule of social events and travel plans.
Some people like to be alone. I don’t get it but I wonder if some day I will. Some day will I be sitting alone somewhere thinking about how wonderful it is to be alone? Good God, I can’t fathom it but most of the things that happen in my life aren’t things I planned so it's definitely a possibility.
My son tells me, “I love being alone. Being able to spend time with yourself is a basic life skill.” It makes me happy to know he didn’t grow up with the same level of fear and insecurity I did. It’s clear it takes some time to get over certain experiences as I sit here so uncomfortable with what seems to be immature, irrational fears and discomfort.
I feel angry that I’m alone. Angry at myself for being alone because I devoted my love and energy to someone who couldn’t reciprocate. Angry at people for not taking care of me, or caring about my needs. And, I’m one of the people.
The definition of alone is, “Having no one else present”. That doesn’t sound so bad. It doesn’t say nobody will ever be present, it just says right now there is no one else present. I can deal with that can’t I?
When I was in elementary school my mom would often get home later than me. Often times she wasn't home until after dark. While I was alone in the apartment I would carry a knife around to protect myself. I was scared to be alone then too. I don’t remember watching a scary movie or having any tangible reason to be scared but I was. I don't know if I'm scared now, but this discomfort is familiar.
I suppose I can be alone even though I don't like it, but I would rather not. A thought just came through my mind, “Be careful what you wish for” and I pictured myself in a house full of people, noise and chaos while I’m sitting there longing for solitude. There’s a glimpse of a new perspective. Do I really hate being alone? I guess it depends. This makes me laugh.
I feel better now. I'm here alone with no power and no phone in my comfy king bed, in my cozy home with my pets. There’s a candle burning next to me and I had a lovely dinner with a great friend. Alone isn’t a bad word at all once I clear the lens on my perspective. Goodnight.
I love being alone & wish I wouldn’t like it so much. As I get older the less I like being around people. I enjoy having my doggies by my side, they don’t talk back or care if I’ve showered, shaved my legs or have makeup on. In my past jobs I’ve had to work face to face with the public and it was overwhelming at times. I still like getting home, changing into my comfy clothes, wash my face & relax. Since being single I’ve learned how to be pretty self seficient. If something doesn’t get done there’s nobody there to complain or tell me I’m doing something wrong.
I’m truly enjoying your writing. Thank you for sharing your…
Welcome to my world. xo
This so much reminded me of when I first moved to Idaho alone. Left my kids, family, friends and knew nobody here. The part about being careful for what you wish for made me laugh too, as I have come out the other side of the “Alone” and you will too!